"I really want to kiss you right now."
Fuck. It was one of those nights I haven't had since college, I think. Sitting with a friend, having a good conversation, and suddenly, this confession. Blame it on the alcohol -- it's fine when we do that. It's not as awkward later.
The problem is, that in college, this shit happened. Sometimes there were drunk confessions from guys I thought were just close friends. But now I'm at the point in my life where this hasn't happened in forever. I thought it was a thing of the past. I'm too old. Friends are friends. I no longer inspire these feelings of passion that were once (dare I say?) almost commonplace.
But here it is, in this bar, from a dear, close friend.
All I can say is "No." All I can think is "You're engaged." Goddamnit.
And then my feelings. My fucking feelings are all over the place. Because part of me wants to kiss him anyway. Part of me agrees with him. If it hadn't been a matter of geography, we might be together. We might be the ones getting married and working on dual citizenships and an international relationship.
Part of me hates myself. Hates everything. Because it's still too soon after the last relationship, the one I thought I could will to last.
Part of me feels hopeful. Maybe I'm not past my prime after all.
And part of me just feels sad. Like I should just go to bed.
