Then my grandma passed away and the awful shit that sometimes happens with families over relatives' estates happens, effectively splitting the larger group in half. Which honestly was fine - holiday celebrations got streamlined, but those who were leftover were still close. We still gathered on holidays, and I always still felt an extreme sense of appreciation for these people that I love.
So in recent years, I've still kept coming home for a few weeks, and we've cooked a lot with more butter than one should probably ever use in a meal, and we've still gathered and laughed. And everything still felt like home.
This year is different. This year, to be perfectly honest, I feel nothing.
It's mostly me. In this past year I have felt more distant from the people in my life than ever before. I can't tell you why that is. Possibly it started more than a year ago, when I started distancing myself from my partner of six years. It wasn't really sustainable. We both knew it. So probably to make it easier for myself emotionally, I started putting up walls. When the break finally came it still hurt, but I was able to not think about it most of the time, since I'd already started not thinking about our relationship most of the time. Unfortunately, he was my best friend, the person I told everything to. I still felt like I had close friends though, and even though they were slowly going their separate ways, mostly with their partners, I still felt like there was a good enough support system to call on when I needed it.
The problem, I guess, is that I decided I was really self sufficient. And I am. I try to take care of myself and my dog and not bother anyone too much. I work really hard, and I have a lot of things I'm interested in that keep me busy. I go on dates and make the rounds with friends. But I don't spend a lot of time with anyone. So I guess really I've started to feel disconnected from everything. I always thought I felt close to my parents, though.
But they've been having a lot of problems lately. More and more it seems like they can't stand one another for a a multitude of reasons I won't even begin to explain. Unfortunately I don't feel like I have much to contribute in terms of making things better. If I dare to disagree with my mother, I've taken sides with my father, and to a lesser extent it works in the other direction too. So I mostly just try to listen hoping that talking out loud will get them through it. It hasn't though, and when I'm home now, all I hear constantly around me is fighting, and all I feel is tension. And then when I've had enough and ask if everyone can please just shut up, that makes no one talk to anyone.
So I just shut myself away, and sit with the dogs, and do little things to keep myself busy. It's Christmas eve and I've barely spoken three words to anyone today. I used to spend all day in the kitchen helping my mom and joking with her. She doesn't want to be in the same room with anyone. Instead, I've sat with my laptop and caught up on email and contemplated getting a jump start on some work I have to do this week, because I don't have anything better to do.
I wish I could feel that warmth and sense of belonging I felt before. I wish I felt anything. Instead, I just feel empty. It feels like any other day.
