When It Begins to Crack

"Is everything ok?"

"Yes. Is it ok with you?" 

"Yeah, fine." 

"Your eyes don't look fine." 

"Well, it's just that this week, I feel like something changed. And I've been trying to tell myself it's nothing, but..."

Pause. I start to feel it, ever so slightly. A tiny crack.

"Yeah. I guess it's just everything has been happening so fast that this week everything started to catch up with me. And I guess I needed to catch my breath. So that is probably what you were feeling."

"OK." Don't fall apart.

"But it doesn't mean I don't want to see you anymore." 

Breathe. "I mean, should we look into not going to Connecticut when we get back then? It's going to be tough timing anyway. And maybe I should just look into whether I can cancel and get my money back." Talking about finances feels less personal. It's better that way.

"No, I want to go. Do you?"

"Yeah."

...

"Just...I need you to talk to me. I don't want to be blindsided. I need to know if things are changing."

"OK."

And then we dance around it some more. I tell him to have fun, he says Portland won't be a fun trip, and I remind him that France will be. He says "oh yeah." It sounds like he didn't quite remember that he won't see me when he gets back from Portland because I'll be in Georgia. He asks if we can keep talking. I say yes. I don't know what any of this means. I think I asked him if we should take a break and he said no, but I don't really remember. He kisses me goodbye. I give him a hard hug. It doesn't feel like he's hugging me back because he wants to, but rather because he should. 

I don't know what any of this means.